When you’re stuck on a work problem, the people closest to you are probably the people you’ve talked to the most. And if you’re like my clients (smart, successful, disciplined, self-aware), you’ve built a support network of some pretty great people. You’re a good judge of character.
So I mean no disrespect when I say this. Talking to them isn’t likely to help much. And it might even hurt.
Your loyal friends, your devoted family, and your sweetheart are not equipped to help you sort through your toughest work decisions.
1) They probably don’t know (or care about) the full context. You’re smart, so if something’s unresolved for you, chances are there’s a big jumble of facts and constraints and relationships and ambiguous directives to sort through. But conversations with our loved ones don’t have the focused space to dump all the pieces out and see how they are connected.
“My husband has a limited tolerance for hearing about the minutia of my work. Like, blah blah blah, can we get on to something else?”
I’ll admit it. There are times when I have a hard time listening to my own dear husband’s version of the blah blah blah when he’s telling me about a work decision.
I love him, and I mean it when I say “How was your day?” but that’s not the conversation I’m looking forward to when we’re together. I’d rather talk about dinner.
And I am more interested in work than anybody I know.
2) The people who love you want to see you happy. Their desire to bring this about can actually prevent you from doing the work of inquiry and reflection.
“He just wants to make the anxiety go away. And I do too, but I need somewhere I can perseverate about all this in order to get there.”
Sometimes our loved ones are in a hurry to cheer us up, or jump into problem-solving mode, instead of giving us space to work through options and solutions.
Or you have to manage THEIR emotional reaction to YOUR emotions. Which distracts from the project of exploring your options.
3) Then there’s the fact that they have a vested interest in the outcome. They’re going to be living with you, and the decisions you make, for a long time.
“If I say to him, I’m thinking of quitting — he tries to be totally neutral. ‘Whatever you want.’ Because in our marriage, he knows it’s going to come around, and if I’m not happy I might later say, ‘you told me to quit this job!'”
Maybe your person wouldn’t tell you to quit the job. Maybe yours would be urging you to stay.
But whichever bias they have, this conversation fits into a history between you, with roles and expectations and negotiations, and this latest decision gets stacked into the relationship dynamic. They remember that time you did that other thing, and they might not say “I told you so,” out loud. But it’s there.
An outside perspective, from someone who can help you look at THIS situation without baggage, is what you need.
“I can only sound relaxed and joyful talking to my parents because I vomited it all out with you, and I feel a lot better now. Things are sorted out and clear. It doesn’t just feel like a mess in my head.”
When you need a place to do that, I’m here. Start with a free 30 minute call, and see how it could feel to have a warm, objective, rigorous thought partner.
