I think a lot about negative feelings at work: envy, shame, dread, resentment, anger, guilt. Although admitting these feelings takes psychological safety and courage, and we often prefer pretending they’re not there and stuffing them down under a layer of mindless scrolling and overeating, there’s a lot to discover when we really look at them.
But recently I’ve been thinking about what to do with negative feelings that come up in play. Frustration, envy, exasperation when playing with someone more skilled than us. Being a sore loser, or not wanting to play anymore unless we feel like we can win. A bruised ego, a feeling that we “should” be better than we are, the fragility of having others see us trying and falling short.
I used to compete a lot, and I’ve mostly stopped. I’m not sure I ever tamed those feelings and became a gracious competitor. I’m watching people I love contending with their own performance — trying to improve, and trying to hold that ambition lightly. Is there a way to want to win without feeling disappointed to lose? I guess it’s a life’s work. (I have read The Inner Game of Tennis a couple of times, but it might be time to pull it back out. If you haven’t read it, it’s a foundational work in sports psychology and coaching, and it’s valuable whether you care about tennis or not.)
