Once upon a time there was a super smart woman at a Very Impressive Firm. Let’s call her CJ. She had all the things you need to have to be successful at Very Impressive Firm: brains, credibility with clients, the political and interpersonal skill to succeed on all different sorts of teams, with prickly personalities. She’d built her career by being coachable, likeable, and hardworking. CJ was a lot like you, actually.
The day came when she was done with Very Impressive Firm. The internal politics were increasingly unpleasant, and the work had stopped feeling exciting quite some time ago.
Leaving a Very Impressive Firm is scary. Nobody asks why you’re there. Everyone is impressed when they hear you work there. You might not like it, but you don’t have to make any hard decisions or close any doors. CJ described herself as “walking the line between anxious and avoidant” when it came time to think about what could come next.
But what CJ knew for sure was her network was a gold mine. She didn’t know what she wanted, but she knew how to have charming conversations with mentors. So she decided to set up a series of coffees and lunches.
Sure enough, board members and mentors and former colleagues were happy to say yes to CJ’s invitations. But the conversations didn’t bring her the answers she wanted. In fact, she left those coffees and lunches feeling even vaguer and more discouraged than she expected to. It was nice to catch up, but all these senior-level contacts ever really said was, great to catch up, good luck, stay in touch, let me know how I can help.
Your Network Is Not Your Therapist
If you bring your indecision into a networking conversation, don’t be surprised when even your biggest advocates don’t leap up to solve it for you. Busy people with reputations don’t champion foggy possibilities. They’re not going to spend their political capital on you until they know you’re excited about something and will bring your best energy, focus, and drive to the role they recommend you for. When you’re still vague and adrift, you haven’t earned their advocacy.
Luckily for her, a couple of CJ’s contacts knew her well enough to be more direct.
“It’s hard to help you because I don’t know what you’re looking for.”
“Come back with a concrete ask.”
Not everyone gets such a strong signal of what’s going wrong. Instead, they leave lunches or coffees wondering why this conversation didn’t really feel…helpful.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to explore options, or you can’t tap your network until you’re certain.
But the most useful people in your network, whose time is most valuable and whose efforts on your behalf will make the most difference, want to direct their energy in a way that will actually help you.
If you want information or introductions, ask for those.
If you want to pressure test your ideas, or hear a candid take on how your experience would translate to a different industry, ask for that.
You are a discerning expert.
Your network thinks of you as a discerning expert, not a hot mess. That’s important!
When you’re considering a career change, you can be in the exploratory phase and still be a discerning expert. Harvard Kennedy School scholar Hannah Riley Bowles identifies four ways your relationships can help you: information, advice, social support, and advocacy.
That’s what I work on with clients. We get crystal clear on the objectives of the next move, and the possibilities they’re exploring. Only then do we tap into the network, and every conversation is framed so that both people know the purpose of the conversation. Even exploratory conversations feel intentional.
“I’m beginning to think about making a change, and I’m trying to learn a little more about roles in [new area]. It appeals to me because [name your educated assumption] but I’m pretty early in the discovery phase and I have a lot more research to do. I wanted to talk to you because [specific reason, linked with a sincere compliment].”
Thoughtful exploration comes across as impressive and intelligent. Vague dissatisfaction does not.
When CJ got precise about why she was talking to the people in her network, she got much more specific answers. Suddenly the conversational research she was doing became more fruitful — and her contacts were ready to open doors, make introductions, and tell her about opportunities that they knew were coming.
If you’re ready to sharpen your focus so you can tap into your network’s power without wasting your time or theirs, schedule a discovery call and I’ll show you the process I take clients through.
