About 10 years ago I had an uncomfortable realization at work. I craved recognition and I didn’t feel like I was getting quite enough. It made me kind of a jerk — I spoke too much at meetings, I offered advice that I thought would make me sound smart, I didn’t miss a chance to point out if I already knew something that a colleague was learning. I was chasing gold stars, and I didn’t like myself.
So I drew myself a shiny gold star and laminated it with packing tape. It looked kind of like the one above. I kept it in my back pocket and pulled it out from time to time as a reminder to think more about helping other people than about what they thought of me.
I’m sheepish to say that it worked. I started catching myself when I felt the impulse to be a know-it-all, or when my people-pleasing instincts were pushing me. I fingered the card, told myself I already had all the appreciation I needed, and asked myself how I really wanted to act. I listened more and talked less. I liked myself better. I think I was a lot more effective.
A few years later some colleagues gave me a real gold star, and I put it on a gold chain. I like to wear it, for fun. But I also wear it when I am feeling insecure, or when I anticipate a challenging conversation and I want to be clear about my own objectives. It reminds me of who I want to be — a person who’s not chasing other people’s approval.
I’ve been talking with clients lately about approval — the desire for it; the fear of losing it; the self-doubt when it is withheld. Would you benefit from having a gold star in your back pocket?
